First, I have changed the name of the blog. It will have cooking posts, but not solely.
Recently, some decisions have been made. Well, I guess it would be safer to say that some potential decisions have been made. The question that plays in my head, almost constantly, is if we should have a 3rd baby. I would like to take the time to say how grateful I am that it's even an option for us. My heart screams YES!!!! My head goes to all the reasons why it might be a bad idea.
Of course, there is the money. Not just the money right now, but money in the future. Will we be able to save for all of them to help them with college? Will we be able to go on vacations and do fun things? I think, ultimately, the answer is yes. I'm sure it won't be easy, and sacrifices will have to be made. I suppose everyone worries about money when it comes to children. I also believe, for the most part, things will work themselves out. It would also make the most sense, maybe, to wait until Vincent is in Kindergarten to have another baby. This way, we aren't paying for 3 kids in daycare. Although, by waiting, we are only prolonging how long we pay for daycare in general.
I also have other logistical worries. For instance, our vehicles. I don't know that we can fit 3 car seats in the 2 cars we have. I ultimately would like to get a van soon. That should alleviate at least one vehicle problem. We also only have a 3 bedroom home. This isn't that big of a deal because Vincent & Owen can share a room for a while.
My other major concern is my health. With Owen, I was a nervous wreck that something would happen to me during the c-section and I would be leaving 2 babies without a mother. I know that those thoughts will consume me again. Pregnancy is nerve wracking all on it's own. I happen to be a very anxious person, so it's multiplied by 1000. I'm scared to have a 3rd c-section, and not very optimistic that a v-bac would work out. Although, I would fully intend on trying this time. I am also worried, as usual, that something would be wrong with the baby. Should we just be happy and content with the 2 beautiful, healthy little boys we have?
I also worry about the boys. For some reason, I feel bad for making Owen the middle child. Does that even make any sense? I'm not sure. It's like he wouldn't be "special" some how, which, of course, is ridiculous. I feel guilty enough for having to work and missing as much time with them as I do. Now, if we add another child, I am stretching myself over 3 people (4 if you count Dave) with the little time I have left every day. Does that seem fair to the boys? Will having another sibling to bond with make up for that? Will it even matter if I'm careful to remember that it's QUALITY not quantity that's important?
Back to my heart. In my heart, I want another child. In my heart, I feel that someone is missing from our family. I love the idea of the boys having another sibling. I love my brother so much and always wished there was more of us. I think of how difficult it will be to raise 3 kids, but how rewarding also. I look at our boys and think they are so incredible, I can't help but wonder who else might be out there waiting for us. I pray for signs to help me know what the right decision is. I guess if I'm going to leave it up to God, that's just what I should do. If he doesn't mean for us to expand our family, then I won't get pregnant, right? I keep thinking this is a decision that Dave and I are making and worry that we will make the wrong one. However, if we put our faith in Him, and he chooses that path for us, then surely it will be ok.
Decision, decisions, decisions. The good news is, Dave is on board. Now, I just have to convince myself.
Alison
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